How to communicate effectively?

by maria

Here you will learn in the next 5’ how to deliver your message in an assertive way, in a correct timing and managing expectations about the outcome.

Some millennial traits such authenticity are also identified in best communication practices, which means a clear predisposition of millennials to become great communicators. C’mon, you are halfway there 😉

Avoid fakery photoshopped perfection: authenticity is trendy

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Even being authentic has become a buzzword, we should not fail to appreciate how important is to present yourself the way you are. Integrity is authenticity in action, be your word. Being genuine is the basis to be trustworthy and approachable, therefore, we encourage you to present yourself the way you are: with your imperfections and vulnerabilities. Having weak points proof you human and generates empathy within your audience. But be careful if you like complaining or have tendency to negativeness: people don’t want to interact too much with them since they take away one’s energy.

If your mouth is open you are not learning: be an active listener

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Communication is not only a message exchange but a connection. And to connect you need also to be an active listener. You cannot jump into a conversation as soon as you remember a even better anecdote to the one being explained. You cannot disconnect to start building your next intervention in the conversation. Active listening builds connections and it also gives you the right to be heard.

It is known that when someone is talking is also in control, and people like to have the control of the situation, make things easier. But to make the connection real we need interaction within all the participants.

Together is better: how to master a conversation.

If the message to deliver is important enough plan it ahead: before opening your mouth you need to know what you are going to say and which outcome you expect from saying it.

If the message is really, really important, rehear it in front of the mirror, watch your gestures, your facial expressions, modify what you don’t like. And if you need to practise, be my guest, plug in your earphones and pretend you are talking on the phone on your commuting.

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When delivering the message keep it short and simple. Be assertive, to the point. Make eye contact, move your arms open them, occupy the space.

Not only listen but also involve your audience when it’s your turn. Ask them questions, it’s always better to have a conversation than a monologue. To have a good conversation, remember also that opinions are not facts. Express yourself clear and straight but also know that yours is far from being the unique truth.

If… you need to think about the answer, say it, allow yourself to ask for time.
If… you do not know the answer, you do not know. Say it, there is nothing wrong with it.

Summarise at the end, bringing your point to the table and also establishing the next steps.

It’s easier to be what you are expected to be: fear about the outcome

Speculating about being judged, receiving a negative answer or even having silence as an answer can persuade us from saying something. Stop guessing: the outcome cannot be predicted. Plan some icebreakers to avoid silences, or just accept them. And once you receive it, accept it.

If they judge you, don’t victimise yourself, it’s their problem being judgemental, not yours.

Your job is to express yourself with confidence and respectfully. You cannot prevent the other person’s reaction. How they digest the information is their issue, not yours.

And to end with, one of my favourite quote: fake it till you make it

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If you are a shy person force yourself to exposure. Just start the sentence, once you have claimed the attention of the group you only can go ahead and deliver your message.

Dating apps, no shame no gain

by Pius

Here you will learn in the next 10′ how to use dating apps and why it is a bad idea paying for dating apps. You will also read about how you should present yourself and communicate with the other side. Finally you will learn how to prepare for dates and to cope like a boss with rejection.

“I have never used a dating app” used to be my standard response till recently. Even when Tinder and others emerged three years ago I closed my eyes and ignored them successfully. Were you like me and told yourself that you do not need to be exposed on a window shopping to have fun?

Maybe you are as wrong as I was: In my challenge of dating as many women as possible and get less needy with validation from the other sex, I discovered that dating apps are the perfect tool have fun. And not only to find a new place to sleep for one night, but also to meet someone inspiring people and have great conversations. 

So guys do not get obsessed with collecting hook ups.

Discover new experiences, engage and be open about the possibility of falling in love with the person you are dating. In one of these “not getting into her panties – only” moments I met my current life partner, Maria. For that reason I would like to give whoever reads this some tips about how you can meet someone that is worthwhile spending your time with, even longer than one night.

But lets start from the beginning.

How a marketplace works: demand and supply

Dating apps are a marketplace. As a man you know that you are high in supply and there is little to no demand for you. 62% of all dating app users are males and they are also more active than females. 

And then In app purchases enter the game promising you the other sex will find you. But don’t be tricked. “Tinder Super Like” or “Tinder Locations” are only strong indicators that you have paid to be found. And this creeps girls away because you are perceived as desperate. Even if you pay money for Tinder Plus, this is no guarantee that you find the person you want. Instead you can save money and increase your chances of success by using as many as free features each app allows.

What not to do in a dating app:

Don’t use naked body pictures or pictures that show you with other people. This helps your target audience know who you are and what you are looking for. For example naked body pictures imply you are mainly interested in making physical connection. Also, showing a crowd around you will tell the girl that you are not confident in showing yourself alone.

It is a numbers game, you should not use your time in thinking too long if you want to swipe right, this is probably not worth your time. Being selective at this stage is just the wrong level of engagement. Hard to believe? Go to one of your girlfriends and ask them to count how many instant matches they get when they swipe right.

Why and how to focus not just on sex?

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Every conversation matters, think positively! Once you initiate a conversation expect small outcomes after every line your write. Think about what you can learn from this conversation. In the past I made the mistake of subconsciously focusing on driving the conversation into a“bed direction“. This was directly translated in:

  • not getting to know the person
  • make me seem desperate even though I was not
  • not having sex

Instead you should develop a more open mindset, make her perceive that she has control of the when, how and where to meet. For example you can soften your sentences including a “maybe“ or a “what do you think“ while proposing a concrete plans at the same time. 

For example which of the two sentences makes you feel being more in control of the situation?

  1. Do you want to meet on Saturday at 11am for a coffee?
  2. What do you think about maybe having a coffee?

If you thought 1 is the correct answer feel free to contact me.

Even if you do not get this coffee at your first attempts, remember this: dating apps are a training place for learning to cope with rejection like a boss.

How to date well?

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Dating is like a learning curve.

Before the actual date, do everything that makes you feel good about yourself:

  • Do a couple of push ups if you feel tense.
  • Call a good friend and chat with him or her about your day.
  • If you find it difficult engaging with people or women there are plenty of books in which you learn, how you can engage with women. 

But being exposed is the best preparation. I spent around 80 hours dating, which helped me to listen better and have more engaging conversations. You should know that on average it takes you 100 hours in any discipline to become an expert but you will see significant improvement already after 10 hours. Dating is no different.

If you want the female version of this post read: Dating apps, take the most of the hunting season.

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Any questions, ask for advice?

I highly encourage everyone reading this to give dating apps a try, if you haven’t done it yet, and feel free to reach out me out with your impressions. I would be happy to read them – and help if I can. (Just to make myself clear: this is not a promoted post and I don’t work for any Dating App’s company).

 

Dating apps, take the most of the hunting season

by Maria

Here you will you learn in less than 10’ how to save time by using dating apps and some actionable tips to take the most out of them.

Dating apps save time. If you want a fairy tale go to the cinema to watch a romcom, but for real life you better be pragmatic. That’s why commuting in the afternoon is as good as any other moment to meet your future life partner. Or in the line of the supermarket. Or in the toilet. Anytime you feel like you could meet your soulmate, it can happen, it’s just matter of matches, pure statistics: the more you swipe right the more chances you get.

In my case I met him in this last moment of the day when you and your Ben and Jerry’s fall into the endless loop of watching one episode of a trendy TV show after another. After two short and conventional conversations he asked me out. And of course I did this romantic-killer online background check before. And of course our professional life was part of the conversation. So what? In that moment neither of us were into dating apps for a social experiment, or looking for hook-ups, we wanted to find someone to start a relationship with. And we met.

This is how it went:

And that’s precisely the tricky part of dating apps: to discover as soon as possible what your counterpart wants. Feel free to ask. Write down what you are looking for in your bio. Don’t feel embarrassed. Experiment. Looking for any kind of relationship is a human necessity and lucky us technology brings us the tools to save money on cocktails, tons of make-up and the most important asset we have: time.

My learning after 2 years using dating apps:

Time. Allocate some time of your day to dating apps. Hunting takes time.

Purpose. Define your purpose of using dating apps and find people with the same goals. If their intentions are not obvious, feel free to ask.

Conversation. Try to be funny, it increases the response ratio.

 

Chat the amount of time you need to feel safe to meet the other part in person but do not extend it more than necessary.

Background Check. Ask for all the information you need to feel safe before meeting. Check their social profiles if necessary.

Affinity. Don’t waste your time and don’t be shy to ask what you want before the actual date (interests, hobbies, habits, etc) . There is no impolite questions, just rude manners.

Description. Be yourself on your profile. Do not pretend. If you want to be funny, tell a joke. If you want to be serious, you are very welcome as well.

Some profile bio’s examples:

 

Pictures. Climbing the Everest. Playing the oboe. Swimming with piranhas. Flying a helicopter. These look-how-cool-I-am pics one after the other are not indicators of your life experience. They are yelling examples of how much you want to show off. 

Avoid pics with friends. Your potential date is trying to see if you are a good match, not to find Waldo. (Btw I’ve discovered that Where’s Waldo has gone digital. Amazing: http://whereswaldo.com/). Don’t use pictures with someone who looks like your girlfriend. And also avoid kids unless they are yours, you don’t want to scare people without any reason.

Friends in common. Be careful about swipping right when you have friends in common. People like gossiping and they share more than you think.

Acquaintances. It’s Ok to start a conversation through a dating app if you are not brave enough to do it face to face. But you already know the person, don’t hesitate to arrange a date.

I’ve been using Tinder and later Happn for a long time and I would completely recommend them to my friends. I have nothing negative to say. Only you have the power to choose what are you using these apps for, you decide when a conversation goes ahead or ends, you are the one who decides how far you want to go.

If you want the male version of this post read: Dating apps, no shame no gain.

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Any questions, ask for advice?

I highly encourage everyone reading this to give dating apps a try, if you haven’t done it yet, and feel free to reach out me out with your impressions, I would be happy to read them – and help if I can. I am also considering managing Tinder accounts. (Just to make myself clear: this is not a promoted post and I don’t work for any dating app’s company).